February 21-2010
Starting a new week, listening to Mike Pence spew forth his neoright gas that passes of as his speech but smells like shit. Got an interesting DVD summarizing the history of the Messiah, Moses, astrology and recent events, trying to digest it well, takes small bites.
Still a straight through animal but much better. Using the pain killers instead of living with it. Gave in. A quiet day. Wondering about crossing over. Taking the drugs, except the antibiotic-gut can’t take it. Sore ass, sore business. What can you say? Suck it up.
My cancer causes problems my Ologist says. ‘Like pissing fire and other grievous conditions?’ ‘Here’s three weeks worth of something to try, piss in the bottle and I will call you Monday.’ And with each passing day the time draws ever nearer. Struggling to be better, have control, no more painful urgency. Must work, justify my existence for one more week. Adjusting last week and did have some great calls, got some quotes out, some follow-ups. Went well. Should be money for the shop. I am not sure I have been able to get my message through. Change is so hard. I find us sometimes so close to sitcom material it is scary.
Soon the new regimen will begin. With the spring comes the hoped for cure.
Monday-a new week 2-22
Cancer, I still cannot get my arms around it. I have a cancer, and not a good kind. Seems impossible. Is overwhelming. Went to the office today, year to date sales report and I am below 25% I think. Not sure how much longer he can keep me on. Cannot let on about it. Did not work this morning, have to suck it up and do it. No matter. Going to use more of the pain stuff to make sure I get some real work done. Seeing another doc Friday, and only worried about how to get down there and back comfortably. The constant yes I am here and I will not let you forget it signals I get are a pain in the ass, literally.
One wire. Imagine the power of one wire. With each advance in technology we find even more power in one wire. One wire to talk, then watch. One wire to heat and light. Wires of glass to move the amassed knowledge of all mankind. Wires of gas, no wire at all, technology leaps, and then once again stalls.
The wonder of endocet is a joy to me. Nice drug. For just my kind of problem. I find if I take 3 a day properly timed I can sleep for 2 hours at a time at night, and work at least ½ day away from the comfort station. Tuesday will be a fine day for me. I must make it so.
I remind myself of those even close to me whose suffering and pain far exceeds my discomfort and pray for their relief, and as for me, let me pee.
As for me,
Let me pee,
And if you like,
You may say a prayer for me.
A cancer has come, and made home in me,
Do not grieve; I do not want to make you sad you see,
But as for me,
Let me pee.
It is nearly 6 AM, and I wish I was at the gym. It was a great routine, although it only lasted 6 short weeks. 30 minutes cardio, 30 minutes strength. My body responded well, dropped 5 pounds then my Ologist said no more. That was a sad day indeed. I will need it on the other end, so optimistically we are taking leave and not resigning membership. It is possible that Jocelyn’s will alone will carry me through. Jennifer will be home soon. I cry a little missing her. Although it has been just a short time, I measure my time a little differently of late, and it seems like ages. My Women are my blessing. An expression of God’s love for me. Of all the things in my life the one constant has always been my marriage and family, and my understanding that it must survive no matter what. A constant even in turmoil and trouble. It is bigger than me. It is the power of My Women, my pride and my strength.
I hate it when the damn computer goes duh duh at high volume because I messed with buttons early in the morning.
I have allowed myself a cry when needed. At present I am an outburster. Or to put it another way, I am the guy that does not do well at funerals. A sudden overwhelming flash of raw emotion, of loss, of foreverness manifesting itself in a blast of heavy sobs and flowing tears, deep draws to catch breath, perhaps another dive into the pool, throw in a little self pity, get it all out. Take a pill.
Strange pains pass through, a throb, an ache hitting hard and out of the blue, sometimes throbbing, sometimes lingering, sometimes fading away. Creaks I call them from my body rejecting this interloper’s intrusion. Much will be gone, lymph glands, prostate, bladder, maybe they could suck some fat out too. Shorten my small intestine. Still I doubt I will be able to play the violin. I am told there will be no feeling where now there is some and it will change my life. Well change is a way of life that we would all do well to embrace. Bring it on, just put the fire out in my penis while you are at it and we will all be tickled.
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