Fear and Frustration in March

March 2, 2010 up at 3:30AM and at the desk. Kicked up some stuff yesterday and got a couple of calls in. Great to be back in the land of sales. I guess I must have missed it.
Fear and Frustration
I heard the fear and overwhelming sadness in her voice. A tremor, a change in pitch, saying please don’t go away, please stay. Yesterdays news that the CT pictures had been reviewed by the IU supermen and we must face the concern that our T2 may already have progressed to incurable. It was almost too much for Vanessa and Jocelyn to contain in my presence. I assured Jocelyn that while I was very sad to have cancer I had it, and from the beginning of the process understood the very good chance of a bad turnout (Yet personally I remain optimistic and intend to end the day today in the same state).
I think that was little comfort to her. Crying is necessary, a part of the process. One can understand why some societies have professional wailers, and others carry on like banshees at the coming of an evil pestilence as a cancer is.
‘Hi Aunt Roline, how are you?’ Jeff extended his hand to hold hers with a Cheshire grin that belied an ornery streak inherited from his Father and Great Uncle Sam and honed to new levels by his own life experience. I watched his expression empty as she replied ‘Well, I’ve got cancer, doctors say I’m full of it.’ With only a momentary pause Jeff replied ‘I’m sorry to hear that, best of luck to you.’ And as they held hands a moment longer I saw in both faces sincerity that can only occur at the immediate family level, or so I thought. But there was something more there in that moment, some sharing at an unspoken level, like old friends maybe. No, Mom only saw Jeff occasionally, but her strong connections to his ancestors, from GGF to F and same on the M side of Andrew and Cecil of Elwood had ingrained her in his soul and he in hers. I can’t help but think these thoughts are a result of smells I sensed at the time, as love and hate at the elemental individual level is a sense of smell issue at least in part. If so, this points to a genetic transmission either through proximity or physical contact.
OK, must have been the coffee. 6 AM and I came in only to say the news yesterday brought out the fear and frustration. And the greater point of the courage with which my Mother faced her own demise. Her passing that early August morning in 2009 ended after 87 years with her at peace with her fate. I shall try to face my outcome if so sad with such grace. Going back to work now.