The Prerequisite Emotional Rollercoaster

It’s Monday evening, surgery is scheduled, the wheels are in motion, the diversion is selected and I have 4 weeks to prepare.  Or is the diversion selected?  I still have some thinking to do on that.  I still have some research to do on that.  I am sure Nurse E gets a lot of this since they do so many every day/week/month.  Again, thanks Bill Gates for Windows which is now working only in safe mode on my power workstation for some unknown reason.  I understand Apples do not have the problems so thanks Steve Jobs for making them so much more expensive so that I cannot afford to go that way and keep up with the ever changing technology that dictates new hardware every 3 years.  I digress again.  It is a mental valve to redirect me away from thinking about my immediate future.  Mental preparation must begin, but I think tonight I will allow myself the luxury of escape by sleep drug induced if necessary. 

‘I think I would rather die than go through it’ I can just hear T say.  Well I just don’t think we get those choices on purpose.  I can’t wait for another round of hospital food.

Tuesday came and went in a fog of depression.  I just allowed myself to wallow in it for a day.  Wednesday is here and I am hard at it playing make up ball for the slow start yesterday.  Was not successful on some rfq’s I put a lot of time in and that is discouraging, but then I can procrastinate until the cows come home and it will not move me forward or make me feel better.  Inger noticed this morning during our session and told me to ‘suck it up buddy’, sounding very much like my Jennifer.  So I did and so I am. 

I seem to be somewhat swollen, or maybe I am just plain fat, most likely the latter.  Still not spiritually up to the gym, maybe tomorrow.  No luck yet on my media machine, which I am trying to save from Trojan hell and oblivion.  The time and effort put forth with my work the past couple of weeks will not make gravy right now but will in the future.  Working with big mechanicals has a learning curve.  I am getting there.  We are trimmed to serve them well. 

OK, must just be fat.  Here it is the last day of September.  I feel great after a good work day and lots of walking.  I keep forgetting to take my stockings off, as it is now approaching midnight.  Through the day they caused me some momentary discomfort but adjustments made kept up with it.  Note to self, get stockings with closed toes in the future.  

I have concluded that my surgical decisions are a bet of sorts.  I must decide if I expect to live 5 years or less or 20 years as Vanessa expects.  I am heavily leaning to the 20 years.

So if given a choice of what I would prefer over a longer haul the neobladder is a slam dunk and the surgery my surgeon prefers and does the most of.  So when you go to a steak house order steak, don’t order fish.  I will sleep on it.   Of course we will not know what can be done until I am layed open.  Such is the way it is with most surgeries I think. 

Broke down, bought Norton, fixed my computer.  I hate computers.