How Does She Keep It Together?

I am reminded this afternoon of the plight of other family members, two with cancer and facing extended treatments with chemo and radiation, isolation and stem cell something or other and one with a troubled heart. Their cancers are different from mine. Each cancer is different. Mine occurs in certain types of cells, like the ones that line the bladder. It is well researched and the doctors seem to be able to predict it’s movement and progression. There are three of us now, different locations, backgrounds and experiences but all with a type of cancer. I suppose some families are never touched by this scourge while others have it heaped upon them. With Mom’s rapid decline and passing just last year the ravages of the disease in any form are still fresh in my mind. As I go I have come to appreciate the incredible courage she displayed throughout her final few weeks, from her conversation with Jeff to her last day of consciousness.

Mom loved the convertible

The overwhelming desire to ‘keep it together’ is keeping a cap on the increasing strain between loved ones. As the day of the next exam draws nearer the strain will increase. It surfaces in odd ways. She becomes compulsive about the garbage bags he is stealing from her stash for the men’s room. Yes she has a garbage bag stash. With varying size baskets and dedicated locations for recyclables garbage bags are not a cut and dried issue in the house. Hard to believe I know. For his part, he is desperately trying to find something to be irritated about. Oh she can push him to a momenentary eruption, but it is so exhausting it simply isn’t worth it. Takes days to get over. At this stage the extreme codependency makes time apart not feasible. So they go, rising each day, he at 5 or before and she at half past six or so. Life goes on.
I am trying to grasp what it would be like to be in her shoes. Her life mate has a disease. He has suffered in her arms. She has heard him cry out in the night. She has lovingly dressed his wounds and attended him, fed him, wrapped him, comforted him day and night, night and day. At her hand he regains his health but remains in the shadow of the disease. Their lives forever changed by new routines the disease mandates they go on. She sees him and remembers the doctors words ‘incurable’. She wants to cry out the pain is so hot and deep in her core but she does not in front of him. Just thinking about it and writing this makes the pain of it all excruciating. Thank God for her friends and daughters who show great love for her and stand close in support.  I am forever in wonder of this woman of such great grace and strength.  I am the lucky one.