Facing The Radical

9/24/10 In the early morning on the BCAN web site (www.inspire.com) reading the comments in a men with neobladders discussion group I came across this one;

‘I have had my neo since 2/09.  I am incontinent and must wear pads and diapers.  …so far can only go 3 hours…use a condom cath to travel hooked up to a leg bag…have had diarrhea since my surgery.’  The he goes on to write ‘With all that I am still happy to have the neobladder, for me the bag would have really brought me down.  I have learned to live with this and try to just move on the best I can’.  Once again I feel puny in the shadow of giants in character.

Now Sunday and two days have gone in a flash.  My ever patient Son and Daughter took me to a golf course for a sound round of beers and 6 holes or so, 3 lost balls, 3 horrible gaffs.  But as it was approaching twilight there was no one ahead, a perfect scenario for a first timer.  ‘Natural golfers’ he said of our hitting, straight and true when mind is not overwhelming matter and ball contact issues do not prevail. Starting with a golfer was most important as I picked up many of the basic etiquette's involved in sharing the field with others.  I like the game and concept but suspect the economics will prevent me from venturing very far past the driving range for the foreseeable future.  Miracle I was out there at all I think as I look back on the what ifs and disjointed events that finally led me to discovery and a treatment path.

‘I would have done it a month ago’ the surgeon said.  I remembered that part of his dissertation, Vanessa’s protest that Dr. H said surgeons liked to wait two months after chemo.  The surgeon gave a mild defense; well there can be complications as he rattled off a few life threatening ones as if they were only incidental matters.  But now Sunday morning, in the clearer light of day I wonder if I should endure another TUR only to delay surgery until a later date and keep the risk, but I know in my heart with this kind of cancer it is proven that waiting is not an option.  I posted on BCAN and voices responded giving me a sense of hope, yet as the week end wears I find myself increasingly depressed.  Major surgery, a week in the hospital, 8 weeks to recover is beyond daunting to me.