Showing posts with label support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label support. Show all posts

10.10.10

My Battleship A Daughters Love

Looking back Fathers Day seems a lifetime ago.  My summer was filled with many good times and new experiences.  Every weekend was a treat, my Wife a joy and my Daughter's close at hand.  Jocelyn gave me a replica of a famous guided missle cruiser, knowing my love of toys, along with this note. 
She must of been thinking I was considering giving up the fight and wanted to make sure I understood what was at stake.  Rex told me he never understood how someone like me with so much to lose and leave could go for years without seeing a doctor for regular exams.  Hmmmmmm, could it be shameful self centernesss on my part, fear that something might really be wrong and I would end up as I am?  A healthy dose of that and more.  Knowing how I deserve what the Good Lord has bestowed upon me is above my paygrade. 

13.9.10

How Does She Keep It Together?

I am reminded this afternoon of the plight of other family members, two with cancer and facing extended treatments with chemo and radiation, isolation and stem cell something or other and one with a troubled heart. Their cancers are different from mine. Each cancer is different. Mine occurs in certain types of cells, like the ones that line the bladder. It is well researched and the doctors seem to be able to predict it’s movement and progression. There are three of us now, different locations, backgrounds and experiences but all with a type of cancer. I suppose some families are never touched by this scourge while others have it heaped upon them. With Mom’s rapid decline and passing just last year the ravages of the disease in any form are still fresh in my mind. As I go I have come to appreciate the incredible courage she displayed throughout her final few weeks, from her conversation with Jeff to her last day of consciousness.
Mom loved the convertible
The overwhelming desire to ‘keep it together’ is keeping a cap on the increasing strain between loved ones. As the day of the next exam draws nearer the strain will increase. It surfaces in odd ways. She becomes compulsive about the garbage bags he is stealing from her stash for the men’s room. Yes she has a garbage bag stash. With varying size baskets and dedicated locations for recyclables garbage bags are not a cut and dried issue in the house. Hard to believe I know. For his part, he is desperately trying to find something to be irritated about. Oh she can push him to a momenentary eruption, but it is so exhausting it simply isn’t worth it. Takes days to get over. At this stage the extreme codependency makes time apart not feasible. So they go, rising each day, he at 5 or before and she at half past six or so. Life goes on.
I am trying to grasp what it would be like to be in her shoes. Her life mate has a disease. He has suffered in her arms. She has heard him cry out in the night. She has lovingly dressed his wounds and attended him, fed him, wrapped him, comforted him day and night, night and day. At her hand he regains his health but remains in the shadow of the disease. Their lives forever changed by new routines the disease mandates they go on. She sees him and remembers the doctors words ‘incurable’. She wants to cry out the pain is so hot and deep in her core but she does not in front of him. Just thinking about it and writing this makes the pain of it all excruciating. Thank God for her friends and daughters who show great love for her and stand close in support.  I am forever in wonder of this woman of such great grace and strength.  I am the lucky one.

26.7.10

Reaching out for the first time

Having caved into acceptance of my circumstance, I have started reaching out some. Although I am trying not to talk about my illness I am constantly asked for details and find myself rambling on, trying to be brave and objective in the face of the unknown.
The responses have been warm like this one from my former co worker and friend in another lifetime.

From: Phillip Sent: Friday, February 26, 2010 8:15 PM
Mike. I just read your e-mail. I'm glad that you contacted me. You and your family will be on our prayer list this Sunday and we will continue to hold you up in prayer until your recovery is complete. Don't believe the horror stories about cancer treatments. The procedures are not near as harsh as they were in the past. I have had three bone marrow transplants for my cancer. Prior to transplant I received lethal doses of chemo. Although I was quite weak, I was never hospitalized or sick. And the times I was treated with radiation, I continued to work. It is natural to worry about your wife and family. But this will be a battle that you will win together. Let them help you just as you would want to help them. And believe it or not, there are about as many support groups out there for care givers as for patients. If Vanessa is interested I will look for some contact information. In May of 1997 my Doctor told me I would only live for 18 months. But prayer and Jesus changed that. The Lord can take something that is intended for bad and turn it into good. Please let me know when you are scheduled for surgery. If there is anything I can do or if you want to talk give me a call anytime. I will tell you my story about Golden Castings and remission. You can reach me at this E-mail address or thru the Church. My home phone is 521- and my cell is 524- God Bless, P

I took over Phil’s job when he became ill in 1997 and could not work. He was operation manager for a large machine shop. I stepped into his office and could not hold a candle to his technical expertise. But I am a whiz and logistics, project management, crisis management and getting completion. So every morning for nearly a year or maybe 2 I left the home at 5 am, slugging down a big shot of Pepto Bismal, which I bought pint size and kept in the last cabinet I passed on the way out of the house to the truck. When the shop opened at 7 AM I faced the typical number of job shop disasters and triumphs, exhausted at the end of every day. His miraculous survival inspires me. Today he is a Pastor. As a young Lutheran I was told I would make a good one. Hmmmm, Brother Mike and the Church of Blissful Sedation might have a big draw.
Great. Now I must go, my meds are kicking in and I still have some stuff to do. Life is great, tomorrow another day. As a side note, I put new batteries in my lap top mouse and it now operates my desktop simultaneously. I kept seeing this movement on the periphery, but would look and nothing was moving. Well dumb ass, when moving the mouse on this document as you watch it, the damn arrow is moving on the far right monitor. ‘Oh’, I said, ‘I see’. Spooky.