Past The Point Of What If

We waited about an hour and the Doctor came in.  He looked at the stitches and approved removing the staples.  A large knot has formed in my navel area but he was not too concerned, it heals or we heal it was his attitude. To my surprise he explained to his nurse that my case was the first time he had encountered severe edema as a result of chemo.  He explained in greater detail to me than previous what he found in surgery and the reasoning for stopping the procedure midstream.  The staples were plucked out carefully but not without stinging pain.  I breathed through it without any difficulty.  Dr. K released me without restriction. 

We did not wait near as long for Dr. H.  I was first examined by his fellow and a med student.  The student did an impromptu comedy skit dropping a pen and when picking it up another fell from his coat pocket and when picking it up down went a third.  Jocelyn showed some mercy on the embarrassed fellow and I noted Dr. H kept his collection in is side pocket, experience pays. 

Dr. H explained that there is nothing to do at this juncture.  Jocelyn put up a valiant protest but the Doctor’s reasoning was compelling.  In essence there is nothing left to do.  At present the cancer is not growing, but it is there and in a large area in my left abdomen.  Even with the surgery removing my digestive tract, bladder and lymph nodes some cancer would have been left so they stopped when they did.  We will watch and wait.  It will start to spread again at some point and at that point we will decide what to do.  Jocelyn cried facing the reality that her Dad was just not going to find that magic pill or definitive treatment to cure him.  Mercifully she left the room, sparing me starting at that point.  As she left Nurse Marietta gave her quiet comforting words.  She told us all to pray, and not discount the importance of it.

Dr. H’s analysis was nothing new to me. This had all been carefully explained to me at the hospital by both Ologists.  Given my good health and lack of symptoms the quality of my life each day I have left takes precedent in deciding my course of treatment. On this we all agree.  He offered some hope, pointing out things that may be done once the disease begins its inevitable onslaught.  Nothing is without great risk of complication at this stage so we must take care in deciding when the time comes how much suffering will come with any extension of my time here.  Once again the reality hit home on me as I sat in that exam room, that I may very well pass as my Mom did, in hospice and in great pain.  Somehow I do not fear this outcome, having gone through it with Mom, but I am a long way from there yet.  Every hour is the battle, every day another day in the war.   

We put the entire episode behind us for a lunch at a fashionable place in Broadripple.  We dined outside on gourmet sandwiches and celebrated Vanessa’s day.  Jocelyn made it so special for her Mom.  On the way home we found our way to a German bakery, where Vanessa procured a piece of genuine German chocolate cake and later in the evening we celebrated with her cake and a brownie for me.

Now in the early morning I look back on something I pondered a few years back, which ironically seems so relevant to my present state.

Thursday, November 16, 2006 

If there were no more hypothetical questions

I must ponder, as I sometimes do, at a question hypothetical, false or true?
What if, I say, in a hypothetical way, if there were no hypothetical questions asked today?
What would I do?  What could I say?  How could I work? 

Would fun run from play?
There would only be IS, as it IS what it IS.

No coulda’ woulda’ or shoulda’ here. 

No hypothetical questions to fear.
And there would be no ifs or what ifs if you will.

Only the is, from far to near.
There would be no progress on this faithful day, People would stop, and the earth would be still.
Where then without the hypothetical will fantasy flee? 

To the back of my mind under lock and key?
Imagining the possibilities, impossible though they may be.

This too will be lost to me.
I will lose my curiosity and the gleam in my eye, when a beautiful woman brings on a ‘what if’ high.
But wait, no what if means no regret, ahh, a lining of silver in the dark cloud.
No looking back, on what coulda’, woulda’ or shoulda’ been, no more for crying out loud.
So in the IS there is content.

No what if's, no pressure, no need to vent.
I see what you mean, and I mean what I say, there will be no what ifs in my life today.
No hypotheticals will come into play, and I will ponder nothing on this faithful day.
It will be what it is, no more no less.
I will end the day, and be sure to feel blessed.
But, what if it isn't any fun?

By Michael Courtney