Welcome December 2010

I am not sure it got over 13 today.  The cold is bitter and dry.  My foot issues have passed for the most part but I am taking 3 gabs a day to control it and putting up with the side effects.  Today I stepped up the pain medication to deal with some urgency issues that got better as the day progressed.  The appointment with Dr. H took up the entire afternoon with the trip down and back, check in at the J and J’s place and stop at steak and shake for the happy hour milk shake.  I weighed in at 209 and desperately need to get this under control.  My frame is set for about 15 pounds less than that as a max weight level.  I know the drill, it’s all about calories.   The Doc looked me over, not sure what he looks for.  He is satisfied with my recovery and advises that the urinary discomfort and blood is likely just part of it, although samples were taken to make sure something else is not creating a problem that can be treated.   'Maybe the tumor is doing something, who knows' his comment reassuring to Vanessa I am sure.  It is always painful to face the reality that is without treatment options we can simply stand by and watch and live with the animal.  I fight but the animal is so strong and so pervasive.  Like hurting to pee.  A man’s right is the right to stand and deliver, so to speak.  The right to write your name in yellow without pain or discomfort of any sort I thought was an inalienable right.  Not so.  The animal denies me this right at this time.  I am sure I will beat it or learn to live with it in some fashion as time goes on. 

Soon it will be a year since I became ill.  Not a day goes by without some element of the illness impacting me.  The animal makes it’s presence known through the friends it keeps, edema and neuropathy in my case.  In 3 weeks I will have another CT scan.  They will look for growth in lymph node sizes, new spots etc.  Dr. H will meet to discuss the results in the afternoon.  I have lost a lot of strength through this time and this week I am feeling it.  My left leg and hip is so sore at times I involuntarily moan.  I am plagued with back aches and frequent painful urination but it is great to be here.  

It's Tuesday and the Grand Dog went home this morning with her Dad.  They were thrilled to see each other.  This eliminates the one excuse I have for walking on the open county roads in -8 to +8 wind chills without the neighbors thinking I have lost my mind.  He walks ahead, pushing the left leg forward.  His left hand grips the lead, Maggie, the hunter dog is working the ditch.  The wind makes his eyes hurt, he lowers his head staring at his feet as he pushes forward.  The dog is a constant pull and suddenly she leaps, arm leaves socket, coat ripped asunder, drug down into the ditch as the dog intimidates a field mouse, 40 pounds vs.a fraction of an oz.  Well alright, it isn’t all that bad.  It’s just like Wild Kingdom in my own neighborhood.  Last night the cat found a small foil ball and clearly acted out all of her aggression against the dog on that piece of foil, danderbombing as she went.  Isn’t it all of this that makes life worth living.  Why would anyone desire wealth, comfort, freedom from financial worry at the expense of missing the finer details of life?  I can only hope a bag of money will fall today into my front yard from a drug dealer’s air plane with twenty million dollars in it.  I would gather it up and examine it in the privacy of my own domicile then promptly turn it into the state police post nearby.  Hopefully I would get a finders fee or some reward, say ten percent of the fifteen million at some point in time.   

America remembered Pearl Harbor briefly this week and Elizabeth Edwards died of breast cancer that got to her liver.  They said she was in no pain at the end.  Her two timin’ old man was at her side with her children. 

My youngest will be thirty in a few days.  She called last night to let me off the hook in case I did not want to go to the party.  She cautioned me that there would be drunk people and they all know what my details are and might be curious.  If I wanted to avoid that I could just not go.  I have business cards with my blog address to hand out to those with whom I might not elect to discuss details with and they can read my ramblings to glean what they can from me.  After all I certainly understand that when it comes to this animal everyone has to know, and most thrive on the detail. 

It has been a good week.  Work is going well and I find many opportunities to offer our services and products. I am living with everything with needed adjustments.  Travel routing has been altered to assure comfort stations at 50-60 minute intervals.  Vehicles now equipped with empty trucker bombs on stand by.  Pain killers are now part of the regular meds regimen as I fully resign myself to this stage of the process.

I was reminded this week of the process through learning of another’s journey just beginning.  My path began with a hoped for but requiring a miracle cure.  Now my path is to live my life and face the rise of the animal when it begins it’s onslaught.  My only plan is to have fun today.