Disappointment And Word Games Played

How sad I was in the night.  I did not have the strength to join my Daughter and Son for her birthday dinner.  An event arranged in advance.  Oh sure we can say it was only 7 and windy and after working all day a man my age should not be venturing out but that is like admitting I am a man my age I guess.  Had the discomfort and weakness brought about by the animal not had me I would have gone.  The painful urgency that nags me has left me with deep seated exhaustion.  Mercifully I went down around 8 pm and except for the usual interruptions was down until 4 AM this morning.

I had to call and tell her I wasn’t coming.  This was especially painful and the same as admitting I am seriously ill, a fact we both want to avoid as much as possible.  We did get to have a birthday lunch with her.  She wanted to know what would happen now and talked about her Sister and how she is handling all of this. I replied rather coldly that there is an 85% chance I will not make it three more years.  She thanked me for that birthday present but I think later on down the road she will take comfort in the words we shared.  I had told her not to worry about me, I would be on the porch of the cabin.  ‘With all the dogs’ she chimed in.  I smiled and agreed.   In retrospect I wish I had not said anything.  We all heard the doctors say the same thing.  It is wonderful how the female mind can place that in a locked closet and ask questions like they never heard what the doctor said.  Sometimes I get impatient and short when this happens, or turn cold as I did with my Daughter. 

Cold is a bad thing, it’s sister is bitter, also bad.  I have the articles on file, the statistics and so forth.  To be cold and uncaring I could carry a prepared statement that includes what the doctor said and what the odds are and deliver it just when it gets started. 

That closet in the female mind  is a protection device and it needs to be protected.  When my Girls are in pretend mode and the closet door is locked and the reality is hidden away I need to play along with a balanced response between reality and what they want to hear I guess.  It is a tricky game to play and so far I am not doing very well at it but I am working at getting better.