Christmas Day 2010

My first Christmas since diagnosis is here and I wondered how many years the animal has been growing in me.  In retrospect I would guess at least three and more likely four or more.  I now know those subtle symptoms, the occasional urgency that was so much more urgent, the occasional burning that passed in a day or two and I chalked up to dehydration.  There were plenty of signs now that I think about it, by my macho machismo kept me from doing anything about it.  I wanted this to be a good day but right out of the saddle I knew it would be tough and uncomfortable so I increased my pain dosage.  By noon we were packed out to Indy and the Hays family graciously hosting the Christmas this year.  I watched my youngest slaving in her galley preparing a feast for us to dig in to.  She is just like her Mother when it comes to cooking with a fair amount of mumbling and complaining mixed in.  She laid out a feast with pies, cookies, candy, ham, casseroles, salads, bread and two kinds of beans. 

Dinner was lively and we all ate like Henry the Eighth.  I think we all have done a great job of keeping the animal from casting such a pall over our lives that it ruins our most treasured traditions.  It is there lurking and so is the fear.  Once during the evening after a particularly painful drain I came out and had a spasm causing me to involuntarily stop, misstep and wince.  The expressions on my Daughters faces were the first thing I saw when I looked up.  I saw fear and very deep sorrow and a sense of impending doom.  These are the feelings we keep capped for if we did not the animal would be given the upper hand in too much of our lives.  Although capped they are still there, and a sudden noise or lurch by me brings them to the surface.  It is at these times that I am most sorrowful and pained for I feel responsible for bringing the animal into our lives in the first place.

The Wife and Daughters are gamers.  They seem to enjoy most the ones with an element of sin or ones giving a chance to use the feline killer instinct.  One of the current favorites is a trivial pursuit game that gives you the chance to steal a fellow player’s cards to win and then feel guilty about it afterward.  After dinner I mostly wanted to hide from the persistent discomfort in my mid section so with plenty of oxycodone I drifted in and out of light sleep in the family room as the Girls and Jared played the card game in the living room.  The laughter was loud and banter continuous and it was a great Christmas present for me.  Vanessa had hoped we could go on until the wee hours of the morning and was very disappointed as we packed out.  I think it was around 9:30P.  Early in the AM I  found  Vanessa and Jennifer still awake and talking just like teenagers. It was inspiring to me.  The animal did not break our spirit or kill the joy of Christmas this year, and I take great pride in the strength of my Girls that made it all possible.