Christmas Day 2010

My first Christmas since diagnosis is here and I wondered how many years the animal has been growing in me.  In retrospect I would guess at least three and more likely four or more.  I now know those subtle symptoms, the occasional urgency that was so much more urgent, the occasional burning that passed in a day or two and I chalked up to dehydration.  There were plenty of signs now that I think about it, by my macho machismo kept me from doing anything about it.  I wanted this to be a good day but right out of the saddle I knew it would be tough and uncomfortable so I increased my pain dosage.  By noon we were packed out to Indy and the Hays family graciously hosting the Christmas this year.  I watched my youngest slaving in her galley preparing a feast for us to dig in to.  She is just like her Mother when it comes to cooking with a fair amount of mumbling and complaining mixed in.  She laid out a feast with pies, cookies, candy, ham, casseroles, salads, bread and two kinds of beans. 

Dinner was lively and we all ate like Henry the Eighth.  I think we all have done a great job of keeping the animal from casting such a pall over our lives that it ruins our most treasured traditions.  It is there lurking and so is the fear.  Once during the evening after a particularly painful drain I came out and had a spasm causing me to involuntarily stop, misstep and wince.  The expressions on my Daughters faces were the first thing I saw when I looked up.  I saw fear and very deep sorrow and a sense of impending doom.  These are the feelings we keep capped for if we did not the animal would be given the upper hand in too much of our lives.  Although capped they are still there, and a sudden noise or lurch by me brings them to the surface.  It is at these times that I am most sorrowful and pained for I feel responsible for bringing the animal into our lives in the first place.

The Wife and Daughters are gamers.  They seem to enjoy most the ones with an element of sin or ones giving a chance to use the feline killer instinct.  One of the current favorites is a trivial pursuit game that gives you the chance to steal a fellow player’s cards to win and then feel guilty about it afterward.  After dinner I mostly wanted to hide from the persistent discomfort in my mid section so with plenty of oxycodone I drifted in and out of light sleep in the family room as the Girls and Jared played the card game in the living room.  The laughter was loud and banter continuous and it was a great Christmas present for me.  Vanessa had hoped we could go on until the wee hours of the morning and was very disappointed as we packed out.  I think it was around 9:30P.  Early in the AM I  found  Vanessa and Jennifer still awake and talking just like teenagers. It was inspiring to me.  The animal did not break our spirit or kill the joy of Christmas this year, and I take great pride in the strength of my Girls that made it all possible. 

Thanksgiving...So Glad We Made It

Listening to the Kansas LP ‘Two for the Show’ as it plays through for digital conversion to MP3.  I still have a few albums to go to complete my project.  So far 267 LP’s are done.  Over the years I considered many times getting rid of this collection.  In my ‘do it as you can program’ over the past two years I have had the great pleasure to replay my collection.  Many albums were only played once to record to cassette.  I gave away the cassette collection last year, knowing I had the vinyl to back it up.  This collection has been the mainstay for my I Pod.  Picking songs at random from the files for the I Pod is my SOP.  Often times my play list sounds like Q 95’s when they are playing classic rock.  Interspersed with that is the easy listening collection, from Abba to Elgin John and beyond.  A few Kansas songs still get regular radio play.  Wow, what that must be like, to do a song decades ago and get a check for airtime.  Called Shirley Evelyn and Helen yesterday, my Dear Aunts to hear their voices and wish them a happy Turkey day.  I certainly hope I can get up to see them.  What a delight to hear those voices and I had a great visit with each one.

 Wednesday night we were at the Hay’s compound and dined on Cajun fare, fabulous, that was a carry in from a nearby Cajun chef.  I have come to look forward to dining with Jared and Jocelyn, it is always a real treat and many times a true adventure, whether dining in our out.  Jenny made it in late after a very long drive down.  Tough getting out of the city on the night before T day as it seems about a million others are getting out to go home and spend time with family or get out of the City for another diversion and we had only a few hours sleep going into Thursday.  

Thanksgiving Day 2010, 50’ish temps, rain, wind sometimes, definitely November in Indiana.  Of course we have had brutally cold T days and much warmer ones in the past, so I will gladly take this relatively mild one this year.  It was just the 5 of us.  Vanessa worked most of Wednesday and all Thursday morning.  Jocelyn brought yummy stuff, including the addictive mac and cheese dish and some continental cuisine.  It was a great day.  We ate like royalty, napped like satiated felines, played games, watched football, got a little tipsy and laughed a lot. What a great Thanksgiving we had together. 

I have been wearing my compression stocking on the left leg, and Inger reported this morning it looked pretty good.  I am still battling back pain and I am sporadically passing blood in my urine.  The seepage from the wound is at last slowing and I am getting around better today than yesterday.   Now 4 weeks since the surgery and I move slowly.  My movement is accentuated by pain at the suture and odd pains internally that are short lived and very sharp.  I cannot do a lot around the house yet.  Pushing the sweeper or standing for long periods is out of the question.  I have set a goal to be doing so good in the business a year from now that I can afford a Consuelo.  So I take a pill.

The girls stayed over and Jocelyn and I camped out in the recliners.  I caught about 2 hours of sleep but was not too uncomfortable through the night.  I took two pain pills at a 4 hour interval but they seemed to have no effect.    

We all put on a brave front when we are together but there is a pall that hangs over us, a dark shadow of the animal that lives inside me.  Jocelyn called it an ‘emotionally charged atmosphere’, an understatement to say the least in a household with 3 women who are ‘emotionally charged’ to the nth degree normally.  It certainly would not take much to reduce me to a sniveling mass that’s for sure.  I have only to look at my Girls and dwell for a moment on all that I will miss for the tears to well up.  Perhaps what we all need is a good group cry but it is not my way.  I cannot allow myself the luxury of such a lapse.  My battle demands I stay strong and positive and so I allow myself those moments of weakness when I am alone and apart, and only for a brief time.  Brief grief or BF as the two letter acronym for it would go.  BF allows me to vent.  I know behind my back the girls are tortured but they put up a strong front.  Vanessa seems to be bracing for whatever might happen whenever it might happen but I think the Daughters just cannot get their arms around it like that.  Only Jocelyn reads my journal here, and she says it is difficult for her, but she is drawn like a moth to the light to read my thoughts as I journey through the process.  I wonder if I should ask if we should have a group cry, but the thought of it makes me cry.  My battle plan says there is always time for cryin’ so why start it now. 

I took Friday off.  The Girls went south to Grandma’s and shopping.  I visited my extended family in Muncie in the morning, John G stopped by in the afternoon and we watched stupid television and tuned up for the evening.  Writing and some play with recent photos rounded out my day.  I got about 6 hours of good sleep in.  As Vanessa predicted I awoke Saturday late, had some cuddle time and Tucker time and find myself feeling much better with the exception of one thing.  Neuropathy struck my left foot with a vengeance leaving me hobbling.  I absolutely could put no weight on the left front side. I went back to a 6 hour interval on the medicine yesterday and this morning I have much improvement.  Still tender by not so debilitating that I cannot get around.  

I Must Be Better It's Homeowner Hell

The neighborhood sounded like a TV war zone day and night with the pop of firecrackers and whistle of rockets along with occasional explosions leaving one wondering of personal injury or permanent hearing damage was involved. July 3 and we painted the barns. Vanessa made a list of tasks. Her shower drain fell apart under the house, who knows how long ago. I heard water under the house while she was hosing down and found it. Debating hundreds on a plumber or me in the crawl spaces as I write this. Homeowner hell. I try to not think about my prognosis, but I do not have a good feeling at this writing, and wonder if I will see another Christmas. I finished the 67 Mustang and it is on display. I finished the rocket kit and am preparing for a launch when the wind and weather and my energy cooperate. Building the kits has kept me occupied during down times, and at night when sleep evades me.
Using the mechanical skills and parts of the brain required to do the job has been good for me as well. I do not have the skill of the artist, but I do have the will. Each model has obvious flubs and flaws in the trim and finish department, traditionally one of my weaker areas. Over the 4th we traveled to Mom L’s with the grand dog, painted the barns (Vanessa did the heavy lifting), scraped gutters for paint (Vanessa did the heavy lifting) and went through the boxes of Mom C’s photos and memorabilia sorting out the savers. I scanned some of the photos in as a start. All in all it was a very productive 3 days for a couple of old folks. We did miss the fireworks this year. So the week end ended with us too pooped to pop, so to speak. The heat is back with a vengeance, reaching 99 here yesterday.