Blood, Work, Weekend

In the darkness of morning and I’m draining blood.  Today is the day of my Daughter's birthday party, which I am fairly determined to attend and enjoy.  I walked a lot yesterday evening, including one big uphill event and I hope that is the cause.  The animal has no way of knowing my plans, nor does it care.  I refuse to believe at this point the animal is active at the tumor site.  This generally takes me down a couple of notches.  I am dejected.  I am bleeding a lot.  I pass clots without warning that while not causing excruciating pain still involuntarily buckle knees.  It makes me fear like old Fred did that ‘this is the big one Earl’.

Six AM and I am feeling great otherwise.  Tucker and I watched Highway Patrol and Sea Hunt on the local movie channel.  I love the old b&w TV shows.  Tucker had me pet her briefly then advised me it was time to quit that crap and settled in on the ottoman to watch TV.  Vanessa just arose, she gets up and the sun shines in my life, huh.  We have a big day ahead.  In a nice phone visit with my generally medicated and levitated Sister last night I said I was learning the virtues of being stoned all the time like she is.  I suppose there is a great possibility it could come to something like that at the end for me but not now.  A very small dose of oxycodone is applied as required, at intervals not less than 4 hours.  This is applied when things get ‘chronic’.  Chronic is a term we settled on to describe a situation where pain medication is required.  This generally includes stuff that hurts a lot or for a long time or flares of pain individually or in groups.
 I am pumped up about work and got lots of stuff in the hopper to work on which makes capitalizing on non driving time easy.  I am blessed to have such a career, I only wish I could figure out how to make money at it.  Like the gamblerholic I am hooked on the so close game and as previously outlined dig the gig.  

Having said all that, today I will live with it without discussion, manage my own issues, take advantage of a driver and be as stoned as required short of passing out if needed.  Today I will have a good time, period.  How can I go wrong?  Soon the beautiful Inger will be in for our rehab session.  While I dearly desire my legs to look ‘good’ Inger’s careful inspection will reveal the true condition.  Of late the left one has been a problem along with center.  If it is bad Inger will work longer and many times with greater pressure.  Pain and pleasure are truly two sides of the same card when properly applied.

Whew.  So I want to be good, but it is so good when I am bad.  Hokey smokes, hooked on the treatment.  This is kind of like what someone would say if they were hooked on their vicodin. 

I’ve noticed that whenever I see someone I have not seen in a few weeks I get the ‘you look really good’ comment, or ‘you are looking good’ or something of that variety.  Lately if I see the same party again a week or two later I get ‘you look a lot better’ comment.  Seeing pictures of myself is something of a shock.  I feel like I have a drawn look about me and I feel like I look very small.  From a guy whose face looks like a worn out baseball glove anyway it hardly seems in character to worry at all about how one looks.  Yet I cannot help but think I must have looked like hell the last time they saw me to say I look a lot better now.  Of course, what do you say to a person carrying the animal?  I understand how awkward it must be. 

The weekend went by fast.  We got to go to Jocelyn’s birthday party, a real honor for us I think, with dinner at a Spanish restaurant, nicely stocked bar at the house and in the company of her Sister, Husband and a few close friends of hers.  Sunday I vegetated with the wind howling in the afternoon and through the night.  I passed a lot of blood Saturday but it cleared up Sunday and I am working on increasing my retention time now as I appear to finally be well enough to work at it. 

Thanksgiving Weekend 2010

The pain was sudden and severe.  The left foot, little toe and one next to it and the ball on that side, WOW, shebang, holy sh.., OMG, what the hell is this all about.  Pain again, bang, pow, whoa hoss, oh damn, yeoweee Abigail, oh kalamazoo, bam.  Neuropathy has reared its ugly head.  Now that is an equalizer if ever there was one.  Unable to bear any weight on the areas affected causes me to hobble.  A hint Thanksgiving, an attack Friday and a knock down Saturday and I am back to the prescribed 3/300 mg/gabapentin per day every day.  Now the condition lurks, close to the surface, rolling about.  Sometimes it hits like a hammer, raising one up with a start.  The drug taken as prescribed seems to manage the condition but does nothing to cure it.  My problem is I continue to live in this dream world where I can quit taking pain pills and gab and so on and I have to accept that ain’t gonna happen.  Whoa, don’t touch.  Don’t even get near.  You learn to walk in odd ways, on heels, balls, sides of your feet and sometimes you might not get to walk at all.  This is all the more reason to return to the gym as soon as possible as far as I am concerned.  And clearly I need to accept reality every day and stop living in that dream world that has kept me young all those years.  Is that another cost levied by the animal, the end of the Adonis Effect, or AE as it is known?  While everyone else sees an old fat guy I look in the mirror and see Adonis.  A God.  Why not this one indulgence to see me through? 

The animal will not give me peace.  I never know from day to day what is going to be thrown at me.  It makes life more interesting than ever when physical comfort is involved.  I shall not lay down to the beast.  Dr. Noah assures me we have a pill for everything. 

Saturday night we had our birthday for Vanessa.  She got her IPod with its camera and tuner, I’m so jealous but happy for her as she continues to stumble kicking and screaming into the 21^st century.  As with all things she will soon be more advanced than I in the intricacies of the IPod world..  We had a great time, sharing small plates with wine at a wonderful venue along the canal in Indy and then to the brewhouse for desert and lots of laughs.  Jocelyn took pictures so evidence does exist.  It was a ton of fun and the finale to our great weekend holiday with the Family, oh how I miss them when they are gone.  Fortunately for me I will have a couple more opportunities in the coming month to spend time with both my Daughters and Wife. 

We are keeping the grand dog while J and J take a vacation for a few days starting Tuesday.  It appears I will be in pretty good shape for the puppy.  I will once again experience the joy of the dog inside and out and I need to be in shape for it.  Sunday was football day.  I did walk to the end of the cul de sac with no problem during a time when the neuropathy was toned down.  This is turning into a battle.  I take great care bringing weight to bear on my feet as I sometimes cannot tell where the pain is lurking if I have been sitting with my feet up.  So Sunday and Monday I stayed down for the most part.   

I appear to have overdone the walking and stairs etc. over the weekend.  Now Tuesday early and I am back to where I was last week about this time.  Vanessa suggested I have gotten worse over the past couple of weeks.  I can summarize my issues in two words, incision, gas.  These are my two constant pain generators and I am a wussy when it comes to pain.  The return of fire feet has been like hot fudge on vanilla bean, I mean if you are going to have the pain, let’s go all the way.  The bone ache in the left leg is also out there, from not taking walks several times a day.  I know, I know, suck it up. 

This morning since I am importing some CD’s into my I tunes library.  I have the program set up on Vanessa’s machine and loaded my LP collection into my library yesterday in anticipation of her use.  We went down to the gym yesterday and converted my membership from Senior Single to Senior Couple, Vanessa is now officially no longer a Curves member after all these years.  She has a couple of buddies to start with and was thrilled to get her bar code card and official membership.  ‘Now we can come to the gym together’ she gleefully proclaimed.  ‘Oh yeah.’ He replied, ‘to watch TV’.  ‘No’, he knew this was coming, ‘We can work out together!’ she was almost giddy in her tone.

‘Oh boy’ he deadpanned.  A game we play.  Actually I am thrilled that she has joined the gym.  As with all things she will go into this head strong and it will be a great success for her I am sure, not to mention another networking opportunity.  It’s only a matter of time before she takes up golf.  So we are 59, I am loading up my I Tune library, we are in the same gym and I am talking about golf in November, ah the modern couple.   

In keeping with the spirit my mantra today is ‘Quit Bitching and Take Pain Pills’ (as required).

The Prerequisite Emotional Rollercoaster

It’s Monday evening, surgery is scheduled, the wheels are in motion, the diversion is selected and I have 4 weeks to prepare.  Or is the diversion selected?  I still have some thinking to do on that.  I still have some research to do on that.  I am sure Nurse E gets a lot of this since they do so many every day/week/month.  Again, thanks Bill Gates for Windows which is now working only in safe mode on my power workstation for some unknown reason.  I understand Apples do not have the problems so thanks Steve Jobs for making them so much more expensive so that I cannot afford to go that way and keep up with the ever changing technology that dictates new hardware every 3 years.  I digress again.  It is a mental valve to redirect me away from thinking about my immediate future.  Mental preparation must begin, but I think tonight I will allow myself the luxury of escape by sleep drug induced if necessary. 

‘I think I would rather die than go through it’ I can just hear T say.  Well I just don’t think we get those choices on purpose.  I can’t wait for another round of hospital food.

Tuesday came and went in a fog of depression.  I just allowed myself to wallow in it for a day.  Wednesday is here and I am hard at it playing make up ball for the slow start yesterday.  Was not successful on some rfq’s I put a lot of time in and that is discouraging, but then I can procrastinate until the cows come home and it will not move me forward or make me feel better.  Inger noticed this morning during our session and told me to ‘suck it up buddy’, sounding very much like my Jennifer.  So I did and so I am. 

I seem to be somewhat swollen, or maybe I am just plain fat, most likely the latter.  Still not spiritually up to the gym, maybe tomorrow.  No luck yet on my media machine, which I am trying to save from Trojan hell and oblivion.  The time and effort put forth with my work the past couple of weeks will not make gravy right now but will in the future.  Working with big mechanicals has a learning curve.  I am getting there.  We are trimmed to serve them well. 

OK, must just be fat.  Here it is the last day of September.  I feel great after a good work day and lots of walking.  I keep forgetting to take my stockings off, as it is now approaching midnight.  Through the day they caused me some momentary discomfort but adjustments made kept up with it.  Note to self, get stockings with closed toes in the future.  

I have concluded that my surgical decisions are a bet of sorts.  I must decide if I expect to live 5 years or less or 20 years as Vanessa expects.  I am heavily leaning to the 20 years.

So if given a choice of what I would prefer over a longer haul the neobladder is a slam dunk and the surgery my surgeon prefers and does the most of.  So when you go to a steak house order steak, don’t order fish.  I will sleep on it.   Of course we will not know what can be done until I am layed open.  Such is the way it is with most surgeries I think. 

Broke down, bought Norton, fixed my computer.  I hate computers.  

Snicker's Diary

Snickers

Day 2,737.5 of my captivity.  This afternoon I got the big loud one to do the back rub thing.  I thanked him by not biting him.  He goaded me with milk but I had none of it.  Going to work on the one of my gender here who has the illusion she is the alpha cat.  Have her responding to various commands including lots of non verbal stuff.  Going to try to get her to cluck like a chicken.  Ha ha, who's the alpha now beeeotch.
The black SOB on the back deck figured out that she has toes and I don’t.  Yeoweeeeee!!!  She's been teaching me the finer points of birding, frogging and basically being a local big cat.  I still don't like her and I don't care
We all know about his tumor, smells just like Molly’s did.  We try to be nice to the big SOB but all we get is a few biscuits and some dutch rub crap.  Good behavior has got me some extra time outside.  Blackie took me out to the wild beyonds last night.  I hope to make my escape soon and be in Florida for Halloween.

I Must Be Better It's Homeowner Hell

The neighborhood sounded like a TV war zone day and night with the pop of firecrackers and whistle of rockets along with occasional explosions leaving one wondering of personal injury or permanent hearing damage was involved. July 3 and we painted the barns. Vanessa made a list of tasks. Her shower drain fell apart under the house, who knows how long ago. I heard water under the house while she was hosing down and found it. Debating hundreds on a plumber or me in the crawl spaces as I write this. Homeowner hell. I try to not think about my prognosis, but I do not have a good feeling at this writing, and wonder if I will see another Christmas. I finished the 67 Mustang and it is on display. I finished the rocket kit and am preparing for a launch when the wind and weather and my energy cooperate. Building the kits has kept me occupied during down times, and at night when sleep evades me.
Using the mechanical skills and parts of the brain required to do the job has been good for me as well. I do not have the skill of the artist, but I do have the will. Each model has obvious flubs and flaws in the trim and finish department, traditionally one of my weaker areas. Over the 4th we traveled to Mom L’s with the grand dog, painted the barns (Vanessa did the heavy lifting), scraped gutters for paint (Vanessa did the heavy lifting) and went through the boxes of Mom C’s photos and memorabilia sorting out the savers. I scanned some of the photos in as a start. All in all it was a very productive 3 days for a couple of old folks. We did miss the fireworks this year. So the week end ended with us too pooped to pop, so to speak. The heat is back with a vengeance, reaching 99 here yesterday.

Summer Officially 2010

Tuesday and now officially summer here. Monsoonal rains continue to pour each day with last night being the worse yet. July 17 is Bladder Cancer Awareness Day. I signed up for a picnic. Again, a club I never ever considered being part of and here I am. Yesterday Van and I were the only ones for most of our time in the infusion center. Due to my lack of white blood cells I was unable to have chemo. OK by me, not sure it is working anyway at this point. I am still very tired most of the time, and can only attribute that to the last medication I am still taking. Gabapentine lists that first on side effects. Hopefully I can end the dosage now that chemo is coming to an end.
Friday and Van took off at noon for her annual sorority bash in Michigan City. They are holding it at the casino hotel there, trendy. Although she always assures me she will call when she arrives, now at this hour she has surely been there a while and no call. Certainly another indication of a return to normalcy I think.
Another neighbor dropped in to talk with me and assure me that I was on their regular prayer list and that made a difference. What a neighborhood I live in. Dale M again mowed the yard today.
I find I can motor around better as the days go by, but the left leg is weak and aches constantly with or without the stocking on. A constant reminder of the cancer within carried with me. How nice.
Twice this week my normal every two hour urine extravaganza has included discharging flakes of dried blood I think, although I can only say from the sensation they are solid and have not fished one out for analysis. Makes me wary of the entire process frankly but there is no holding back.
Work is also returning to normal. I can still overdo it, and try to measure myself. The stockings are severe in case I did not mention it. Now I guess is my second week, although it is easy for me to loose track. I know Van is laundering them in a rotation and has a place set up to store them. I stowed the wrapping materials in the closet as the stockings seem to be doing the trick along with Inger’s daily work over. She also is gone this week end so I will be self massaging. I know that doesn’t sound right, but it is part of the disorder, MLD, manual lymph drainage, or to put it another way, go play with yourself. Nothing about bladder cancer is socially acceptable, even the unintended consequences like lymphedema it seems.
Jennifer is heading this way for the weekend, and Jocelyn is coming in tomorrow. Vanessa said I did not need any quiet reflection time while she was gone and they all made these arrangements to assure I would not. For me, what fun, as always I will go with the flow.

May Ends - Does C Mean Contagious?

May has ended and my e mail reply to a friend sums it up for me;
Thanks Kathy for the cheer up video and your continued spiritual support. My cancer has not improved, however it has not gotten any worse. I am adjusting to very limited mobility for the first summer of my life. I can now park in the handicapped spaces without remorse and legally and I have even negotiated a few stores on the provided hover round or wheel chair. My how life changes. We continue to hang in and await what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully improved mobility as time goes on. In the immortal words of Super Chicken 'We knew the job was dangerous when I took it.' And there is no such thing as fail to Tom Slick
The neighborhood has proven to be such a family. Dale has taken over lawn mowing and never has the yard been so well quaffed. Bob and Jim are in the wings ready to jump in whenever needed. My Shop seems to be itching to help with whatever is needed. Given this static situation I will likely scale back on this diary until I have some other profound thought or something new to report. Each day without progress is a day of additional risk of complications, from infection to heart failure, I run the gambit of possibilities at this point. This I do not discuss with Vanessa or the Daughters. Sometimes I cannot help but think the continued misery I am put through is a prelude for what is to come in my closing days and weeks on this earth. I wonder if I will be here to feel the autumn breeze.
Only time will tell.
Last night after therapy on the pump we rode with the top down. And in the late night went home that way, what a treat. My emotions got the best of me when I had to face retaping, and I made Vanessa sad because nothing she could do could make it better and all she could do was make me uncomfortable, because that is part of it. Compression bandaging is not meant to be easy on you.
It has been a few days since I wrote last and some things came up worth mentioning. First, there are a lot of people that look at you with disdain as you maneuver the aisles in the store provided electric vehicle, straining under the 220 lb load, far beyond it’s design but well below what it has seen in it’s day for sure. On the other hand there are those that give a kind smile or feel good about helping if called upon. Don’t be shy with cancer is key here, or with any handicap. Second, some treat me and Vanessa as if we were contagious. Talking with Jared I found it impossible to put into words what it is like to have a foreign body growing in your body and spreading microscopically clones of itself to neighboring body structures. Vanessa has sensed in many encounters with acquaintances a certain remoteness. Do not feel bad about being contagious in some folks minds. The very fact it is in their minds is reason enough not to associate with them and this C word solves the entire problem for you. This week Hollywood mourns the passing of Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper, there are a bevy of Troops marching at the 500 and life goes on.
Stopped and saw David, curled in a fetal position in a room at 100 plus under a blanket in full long sleeve dress. The drugs were holding back his pain. Yet he recognized my cane and asked me if I was in an accident, an old standing joke he loved to hit me with.
Vanessa and I dined with the Nieces and Sisters at Dave and Julie’s place in the shade with melt in your mouth barbeque and the race on the radio, Wow. Met up with my cousin Jeff C briefly at his place where he had a major party in progress, his annual Memorial Day Ride crowd. Another unintended by delightful consequence of the disease is developing a friendship with Jeff.
‘Do you feel cancery today?’ ‘No,’ came the emphatic answer. But that is just not so, and he knew it.