For Thirty Seven Years The Luckiest Woman In These Parts

It is now mid afternoon of our Anniversary.  Vanessa presented me with a bottle of Jack, card and batteries for my new putting machine and I broke down.  I just felt so devastated.  I have given all my machoism over to the animal.  I can no longer plow ahead assured of the second wind kicking in.  There is no second wind.  The animal has attacked our anniversary. 

I saved some egghead work for today doing roi calculations on a proposal.  Took up the better part of six hours but it is done and ready to present next week. Tomorrow will be the last real business day of the year.

Four PM and I am marginal but we are off for a night to celebrate.  Day turned to evening and I held up through Kohls  where Vanessa motored me around in one of their virus bacteria laden complementary wheelchairs.  Sam-s and I did well with the cart and motored about the store, using the facility only once.  In another defeat to my machoman self image the cart had a very large purse in it.  No way this could be confused with a man bag.  It is a purse, and it is in the cart, and I am pushing the cart.  May be the first time this has happened but I needed the cart to lean on and she saw the opportunity to take advantage of me and get some payback.  The war of the sex’s.  Clearly the purse thing was more than a purse thing.  We had been through it uncountable times.  I simply would not push a purse.  I did not think she needed more than a wallet.  It certainly was not fair to have Van push a cart so full the wheels went in to a death nell chorus as she leaned into it and pushed it down the aisle.  Many times I was there and willing to push, if only the purse was not in the cart.  That’s what happens in relationships.  Every once in a while one or the other of you draw a line in the sand, just to assure yourself you still have some self identity.  Perhaps we are married 37 years in part because our lines are things like pushing purses which become head games. One thing for sure, pay back is sweet and I had to laugh at here sweet revenge.  As she was checking out she called me over as I had buckled her purse in with the child's seat belt and after doing so I could not comprehend the complexity of the child proof buckle.  The cashier gave us direction.

Vanessa did the driving as we went around to an east side steak house for our Anniversary dinner. She looked gorgeous and we did not even get the server to take a picture of us at our teenie table because they called our name twice in 2 minutes and we did not get there in time even though we said we would be at the bar and they gave our table away.  Thank you Texas Road House for that little piece of extraordinary service. 

When we got home I took a pain pill and Van found me sitting in my office chair with one pant leg pulled off staring into space, twice, maybe three times.  She finally came in ready to do the job herself which got me kick started. 

 I cried three times today and cry a little as I write this.  We had a quiet anniversary.  We cried together, we laughed together, we took a Hoosier road trip, drank a big margarita, ate a filet ( most of it), brought home a good sandwich makins’ for Jared, and I was finally rendered partially catatonic.  I made it, and I think she enjoyed her evening, I know I reveled in her company.   Happy 37^th.    

Still No Miracle To Stop The Train

Christmas past and time for the CT scan to see where I am.  Inger came in for my morning points, where she kick starts some key lymph nodes.  A little breakfast just before the no intake for 4 hours began.  We packed out early to arrive by 9 AM so I could start drinking the stuff, two glasses in two hours, sip all the way.  I had hoped I would not have really bad mid section pain but I was uncomfortable enough to make the scan a bit of misery.  After the scan a trip to the office and then a wonderful lunch with the Daughters to top off our Christmas 2010 weekend. 

Dr. H did not keep us waiting long for the results.  As always he delivered the good news, the cancer has not exploded and still remains in the same general area.  The bad news includes the tumor growing in size which is the underlying cause of my physical discomfort at present in his opinion.  In addition some ‘shadowy’ areas have appeared on my colon which may help explain the core pain.  He asked how I felt about going back to the urology group to see if they might want to do another TUR to reduce the size of the animal but I declined.  Seeming to be at somewhat of a loss he suggested another round of chemo, reasoning that the animal had a good blood supply virtually guaranteeing the chemicals will reach it and that it worked before by having an affect on the animal.  This seemed a good step to try.  I wonder if I will loose my eyebrows this time.  I have a feeling about it.  Dr. H finished with the BIW statement (but it will) to make sure I understand the chemo would be to improve my drain function and reduce pain, not a means to a cure, which it will not be.  I now gird myself for angry veins and the rest of the chemo baggage I will carry going forward.  We will go through one month and see if it is having an effect.  In the interim he offered no pills, potions, poultices or practices I could do to stop the terrible pain of the drain, so I will live with it.  Finally home Vanessa assumed the prenatal under a blanket in her recliner and drifted off for a long nap.  I communed with John and Tucker and went back to work on getting a system sold.  By Tuesday morning Vanessa was resolved to going forward.  Our resident psychologist set her straight, she had developed a strategy for managing the 7 grand deductible we will have to cough up at the front of the year and she set the day aside to drive me on my business calls, a noon visit with Dan and his buddy Judy and a afternoon visit with Gerald and Joe covered catching up with our extended family.  As I prepare for work this morning 12/29/2010 I also celebrate the 37 years Vanessa and I have been married.  

Football And Bowel Balance-American Holiday Traditions

Time flies and the animal now shows itself as a dynamic beast creating an ever changing set of challenges.  Our Colts won Sunday and Vanessa and I enjoyed a really good game played hard and with a lot of emotion on both sides.  Vanessa screamed jumped hollered stomped and laughed, I burst into occasional fits of profanity, did stupid grade school cheers and acted like an idiot.  We played Oakland at Oakland.  Young millionaires facing off in space age armored suits in an open field.  Just as wars were fought from the dawn of mankind to our own Civil War, which changed the rules of war, these boys get paid for using skills and talents based on God given abilities and learned traits..  Add genuine love of it and willingness to work for it and you can end up one of the elite.  Two armies of corporate identities, each position a player, each player a self sufficient entity, each entity an employer and wealth generator.  Practiced and drilled from early childhood in most cases, we watched them play out their competitive ballet with punishing hits and precision patterns.  Then Peyton ran 23 yards laughing all the way and we won.  Life is good. 

My standard of living is being jerked around like a cat with its tail caught in a bull dog’s bite.  I am finally understanding my abdominal pain is self inflicted as I am treating my injured colon like it was a cast iron stew pot.  So at least temporarily I can chalk up another hidden blessing, that being debilitating core pain resulting from eating too much, too fast or something I shouldn’t can after multiple applications over days/months/years effect a change in the behavior of the male of the species.  Not many outside influences in life can make this claim about maleluss homouss sapienuss.  I knew but did not want to admit that I could at least for the present no longer eat like Henry the Eighth without paying a punitive price.  I am eating much slower, eating less, and keeping my water intake up.  For now I have the dehydration issue managed.  I am making sure I have a little something solid with meds, especially the pain.  Switched to Dulcolax and it works good for me.  Don’t need it very often thank goodness.  I wish there was a way you could determine which laxative worked best other than trial and error.  It is best to always start with a minimum dosage of whatever until you know what will happen.  Laxatives are required to nullify the unwanted side effects of the pain med.  It is going to take a while to obtain BB (bowel balance) but I know I can get the job done.  The core pain returns when I lay down in any configuration but if I can minimize or even eliminate it most of the other time it will be a tremendous contribution to be the betterment of my everyday comfort.  I know I have a ways to go.  My farts are so over pressurized they are ultrasonic, explaining why the pack of dogs appears on the porch shortly after I let one fly. 

Christmas Day 2010

My first Christmas since diagnosis is here and I wondered how many years the animal has been growing in me.  In retrospect I would guess at least three and more likely four or more.  I now know those subtle symptoms, the occasional urgency that was so much more urgent, the occasional burning that passed in a day or two and I chalked up to dehydration.  There were plenty of signs now that I think about it, by my macho machismo kept me from doing anything about it.  I wanted this to be a good day but right out of the saddle I knew it would be tough and uncomfortable so I increased my pain dosage.  By noon we were packed out to Indy and the Hays family graciously hosting the Christmas this year.  I watched my youngest slaving in her galley preparing a feast for us to dig in to.  She is just like her Mother when it comes to cooking with a fair amount of mumbling and complaining mixed in.  She laid out a feast with pies, cookies, candy, ham, casseroles, salads, bread and two kinds of beans. 

Dinner was lively and we all ate like Henry the Eighth.  I think we all have done a great job of keeping the animal from casting such a pall over our lives that it ruins our most treasured traditions.  It is there lurking and so is the fear.  Once during the evening after a particularly painful drain I came out and had a spasm causing me to involuntarily stop, misstep and wince.  The expressions on my Daughters faces were the first thing I saw when I looked up.  I saw fear and very deep sorrow and a sense of impending doom.  These are the feelings we keep capped for if we did not the animal would be given the upper hand in too much of our lives.  Although capped they are still there, and a sudden noise or lurch by me brings them to the surface.  It is at these times that I am most sorrowful and pained for I feel responsible for bringing the animal into our lives in the first place.

The Wife and Daughters are gamers.  They seem to enjoy most the ones with an element of sin or ones giving a chance to use the feline killer instinct.  One of the current favorites is a trivial pursuit game that gives you the chance to steal a fellow player’s cards to win and then feel guilty about it afterward.  After dinner I mostly wanted to hide from the persistent discomfort in my mid section so with plenty of oxycodone I drifted in and out of light sleep in the family room as the Girls and Jared played the card game in the living room.  The laughter was loud and banter continuous and it was a great Christmas present for me.  Vanessa had hoped we could go on until the wee hours of the morning and was very disappointed as we packed out.  I think it was around 9:30P.  Early in the AM I  found  Vanessa and Jennifer still awake and talking just like teenagers. It was inspiring to me.  The animal did not break our spirit or kill the joy of Christmas this year, and I take great pride in the strength of my Girls that made it all possible. 

Christmas Eve 2010

Christmas Eve and I am up at 4:30A to stay.  Tucker and I set around the garage stove and took in the early am news.  My pain issues persist even as I want so much for it to go away just for a few hours tomorrow.  Jennifer worked for several hours and ventured out to a mall in the late afternoon for some last minute stuff and probably just to get away for a while.  She is suffering from the change in water or air or both with some skin issues but that does not slow her down.  She runs every day and this morning was no exception, although I think she only did a ‘short’ sprint of 6 or 8 miles.  If anything she is certainly the best dressed runner seen in these parts for a while with space age running suit, space age water belt and shoes from another dimension.  I have come to the conclusion that some folks drink, some folks do drugs and some folks run.  I am pretty sure the chemical release from running is an addiction mechanism.  I therefore blame my cross country coach in high school for setting me on the path to addition when I was young. 

Jennifer brought her cat Savannah so we have a two alpha cat house with 4 alpha cats total in the house.

Savannah Baby Cat

Needless to say I am laying low. 

We traveled to my Sister’s home for the second or third annual Christmas ‘brunch’ hosted by my nieces.  While I cannot get my Brother to make a two hour trek for any of these events we do and it was fun and delicious.  We are the last of the Courtney's attending.  We stayed until the late afternoon.  I weathered it all reasonably well, and was thankful it was a two bath home.  When the evening was over and the Girls went to bed I found myself facing another night in the chair.  I have come to dread the hours from 11 P to 3 A.  These are the lonely hours, when sleep only comes in 30 or 40 minute spurts and is sound only when drug induced. So I was up early on Christmas. 

The Inger, The Lymph, The Twenty Third

 Inger visits every day now.  She is going to end up owning us before this is all over.  I do not think our insurance comes near covering her bill.  She has taken on the roll of trainer coach.  Lymphedema is a dynamic condition and we are still learning of tricks it can pull and the finer nuances of edema management.  I have resigned my self to having a left leg larger than a right.  While I can walk ok I have a cane to use, which slows people down who can now outpace me.  Inger works certain pump points to jump start my lymphatic system in the morning.  She keeps track of my condition, trends and addresses those issues that need addressed.  The condition can get chronic and turn to major keg leg and balloon foot in hours if you are not paying attention and sometimes even if you are. 

There seems to be only passing mention of this side effect as a possibility in the research.  My bladder cancer spread into nearby lymph nodes first and swelling started shortly after the first chemo treatment.  Nodes swollen with the animal have pinched off my thoracic duct thereby reducing flow and resulting in the swelling.  I live by the belief that if it has happened to me thousands have already experienced it and there should be reference material out there but there is not that I can find.  Inger’s hard work and myself keeping active and wearing the compression stocking regularly allow me to move about and wear regular shoes. 

Throughout the day today the constant pain and discomfort in my mid section was managed by the med.  I ramped up to 7 pills per 24, which have effectively stopped my howling every time I drain.    At this level I will either develop a tolerance (likely) or require a driver (schedule conflicts).  Jennifer arrived at midnight with Savanna the city cat in tow.  We watched Jimmy Fallon and laughed.  I am thankful for Jennifer but I know it is a real chore for her to get down here.  Others might say she shouldn’t look at it that way but I understand.  If you are working 6 or 7 days and nights a week always slave to the conference call, always with laptop and smart technology in tow, any chance to escape it is cherished.  I find it tragic that we put men on the moon and weapons that can end the world under the sea but we cannot go from Chicago to Indianapolis in less than 4 hours.  It is a function of our willingness to settle for hundred year old piston engine technology to get around. 

The girls turned in around 2A.  Not much sleep to go on for Christmas Eve.  I am still having sore tummy issues.  I doubt the pizza tonight helped but I could not resist.

No Thanks, I'll Stand

I am convinced the animal is working to dehydrate me.  I am getting back into the routine, always at least a 16 oz mug at the ready, Britta pitcher water, less coffee, cranberry juice every day, and some milk every day.  Still the animal seems to be slightly ahead of me.  It almost seems like it is going straight through.  I wanted to go to a meditation tonight but after working all day and having an uncomfortable day I did not have it in me.

Van and I went to one of our favorite spots for a sandwich and I got a Margarita, she was driving and it is treacherous out there in spots so she elected to drink the water.  I improved somewhat through the night, or the pain medication has reached a level of saturation that is masking issues, no matter, comfort is the name of the game. 

An open letter to Santa;

Dear Santa,

Thank you for thinking of me and sending me my gift early.  I am not showing signs of imminent demise so I  am not sure why you chose to deliver it early, but thank you for the thought.

With regard to the gift, I have reviewed my list mailed December 6, 2010 certified and received December 10, 2010 and signed for by Alonzo Twinkie, ELF.  Please note item 3 on that list says Droid.  I was thinking of a smart phone.  Imagine my surprise when I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid only to be struck by a starry ball of magic.  Shortly thereafter I noted someone has placed a hot spear in my bum (English translation).  It is amazing what a difference a letter makes when reading a word.  Droid, roid, oh what a difference there is. 

I guess with all the years you have been in operation you would instinctively know that a burning hot golf ball in the arse is not an appropriate gift or Christmas.  Please advise how I can return.

Best Regards,

Mike Courtney

Chief Sitting on Donut

We all have hemorrhoids and we don’t want to admit it, however I would be remiss if I did not point out that the animal has delivered this painful blow to me probably just for fun.  Having so many years driving over a hundred thousand miles in pick ups I am familiar with roid control. 

My problems with appetite control, weight gain and the side effects of the gabapentine (nuerontin) made a flare almost inevitable.  Of course it means not enough fiber, I am eating fiber bars, using PH and sitting in hot water to get the thing down.  I had it under control but the laxative I took due to the pain pills I take created a stormy half day that blew me out again.  I am sure my toothless oracle looks like a rosebud. 

I am still experience urgency and significant pain of a type I am not sure I have previously experienced.  We see the Dr. H in a few days and I will have a CT scan done with contrast (yummy).  Perhaps that will shed some light on what is going on with me.