Routine And Reflections

Working until I can’t, resting short periods, working more through the day,

Restless shuffling, constant tightness, slowing me along the way,

Pain sometimes, sharp and hard, feeling like a burn,

I take extra care, I would not dare, to risk its return. 

Back pain from sitting too much I hope,

Cold outside that cuts through my coat,

Life is hard and can be cruel,

So I took a pain pill and a laxative to on both ends drool.

I know the drill,

If that don’t fix it nothing will.

Now the 17^th, my 3 week anniversary since the surgery.  Another day where I am a little closer but not there yet.  Making calls and talking to nice folks, layed back and feeling no pressure, a blessing for sure for me.  The days are sunny but crisp now and these last few days I have spent most of my time inside.   It becomes more difficult for me to keep my spirits up as the days pass.  I am still sleeping in a chair.  I get a lower back ache that comes on every evening early and gets progressively worse as the evening goes on.  I take a pain pill late in the evening to sleep. 

The laxative is always a surprise.  I think I am working fine, straight through, out as much as in, etc. and I take the senna and a few hours later pow, where did all of this come from?  Just goes to show the importance of this with the pain killers.  I find it most curious that digestive tract pain brought on by pain killers and the resulting constipation is much different from what I would expect.  Long known for my ebm’s (explosive bowel movements) I am quite familiar with the rumblings and abdominal cramps that go along with abusing my GI tract.  This is quite different from the pain I now have that goes away almost immediately after the laxative hits the mark, punches the clock, turns the lever, opens the gate, etc. 

Now the 18^th and I am marginally better in the recovery department.  Over 3 weeks since I have worn compression stockings and my left leg is looking pretty good.  I am up early getting some office work in and gathering stuff for a visit to the office later today.

A wonderful lunch with Jocelyn and Vanessa and a steady work load in the afternoon rounded out my day.  I wiled away the evening reviewing photographs, catching some TV and talking to Renee.  Only 3 hours of sleep or so and up at 4A, Friday is here again.  Odd how the days are so long with my lack of movement outside the office and family room and yet looking back on the week it seems to have flashed by.  Mornings are getting better for me and this one seems to be no exception.  My stomach feels better and I am motoring around a little more gracefully. 

Vanessa shared with me a little of her experience in the waiting room, the room of the big numbers, while I was in surgery.  I am not sure I would have held it together as well as she had our roles been reversed.  I laughed when she told how my entourage settled in, hospital professionals one and all.  The waiting room mode, I never got it until now.  The vigil, how blessed every patient is that has one. 

I suffered when Van told of getting the call to get back, she thought it would be an hour before the next report and slipped off for a break, the surgeon needed to talk to her.  How my stomach sank as she told of how the news was delivered, how she took hope from it.  I thought if how it must have pained my Daughters and got a bigger knot in the gut. 

And my Sisters and Jack were there as well, but being older they have heard such things a few times now.

And witness to it all was the stodgy receptionist.  The guardian of order, that assigned you a number for your area in the waiting room, would witness elation and desolation on an hourly basis every day.  I am not sure I could do even that job in this cancer center.

Hey Who Cares How It Works As Long As It Does

Don't dwell on it I tell myself.  Who cares at this point as long as it works.  I pine for last year at this time when I had none of this.  I am back up to 3 gabapentin a day for my neuropathy.  This generic for Neurontin®  It is for my feet. After some research I discovered the pain in my feet is similar to that inflicted upon sufferers of shingles.  I also learned that the makers and sellers of the drug that is handling it have no idea how it works exactly, except maybe it affects some calcium channels in the brain or some such thing.  I do know it promptly eliminated the pain and my toes returned to normal color, and lowering the dosage brought back the pain and my toes turned black.  Go figure. 'There is a pill for everything' the noble Dr. H. said.  I am enduring some side affects including weakness, some physiological routine variations (PRV's), fatigue and a voracious appetite.  On the latter it is the most difficult to live with.  I have fought back the urge to graze at night but have to watch myself everyday for specific cravings mostly of the fatty variety.  Oddly satisfying a craving for a Happy Burger or a cookie from the pantry or whatever is always disappointing.  I have adapted to long term illness with some bitterness but none the less acceptance.  Medication induced additional difficulties and negative unintended consequences really toast my cookie.  My research tells me I may have to take this stuff for years before my condition is such that it is not needed.  This pain has been the worst so far of anything the Good Lord has set forth for me to endure.  I thank him daily for the pill that keeps it at bay.